Living With Memories

Love you Doll

2005-11-18T11:46:00.000-08:00

I'm still here and healthy. I've been triing to stay busy , but it isn't that easy. For some reason I really realized that Rudi was dead.
Dead is such an ugly word, I've never used it before.Dead means it's over it's gone and it's not coming back, no matter what you are talking about.When you are talking about your Husband it is even harder to use as a word.
Istared at one of his wonderful pictures and just let the tears come. Your nose stings and your eyes can't see correctly everything is blurred even your heart.The hard part is I am selfish in the way that I want him back. I'm forgetting the shock and the emotional pain never mind the physicalthat he had to go through. I know it was only 35 long days from start to finish but I wanted it to be longer. That's not right as He was the one hurting and waiting to die.
To wish Him back is not right. Rudi has paid his dues on this earth and it's time for a wonderful man to move on.I"n my heart, and I don't know how, I know we will see each other again,and I sort of feel him near me. I've had no dreams of Him although others in my Family have. I wonder how I would feel if He ever came to me in a dream or a day dream?I don't think I'm ready for that yet And I think He knows that , He always could read my moods.
Just know this that when you lose someone so special it will take eons to feel yourself again actually I don't think you ever will. I no;w wonder who the new me will be. I hope someone more independant , more kind, and more understanding. Right Dolly. I love you Doll xo xo

Hi I,m smilin in the rain.

2005-11-03T12:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a few weeks since I'e tried this again,so here goes. Haley and I are making headway with our relationship. Baby steps and I don't mean BabtFaith steps.I'm starting Grief Councelling and hopefully things may feel lighter inside this old body. I really want Haley to go but that will have to happen when she is ready and not before. Just think I might learn new and different ways to talk to her about Rudi.
I know she will always talk about the good times but she has told me she doesn't want to talk about or relive his illness or his death,and I will respect that. I have to admit I'm not the greatest at that though as I need to talk about his illness and to relive the days before his death.Thats why I think she needs to find someone else to talk about the good times cause I always seem to bring her down with an unthoughtful comment on my part,hence an arguement usually ensues.
November will be a tough month , as our seventeenth anniversaryis on the fifth,and the anniversary of Rudi's death is on the seventh. Yuk yuk.Kyli(my oldest daughter )and Joe her beau will be here this weekend which is nice of them. I don't want to disappoint them by being a bummer so I hope the tears don't flow. Dolly and Rob will be on a roadtrip that weekend as they are going empty truckload down to Hinton and bringing all of our things back to us. So yes Virginia there is a Saanta Claus as aunty Kim will have her Christmas tree.Once Paul finds out they came all the way without his stuff, Junk ,whatever he'll be furious.What goes around comes around. Hope the weather holds for them and no;thing drastic happens out there. No fights etc.
With Haley staying at Robsnightly I guess I'm learning to live alone. It all is happening too fast but I cannot control these decisions. Living alone is very quite,you tend not to say anything,then when and if Haley pops in for an hour I can't shut up and it drives her nuts,hence another fight because I don't believe any daughter grieving or not should tell her own Mother to Shut Up.That's another issue we arre dealing with, respect,to get respect you must give respect.Not such a hard concept to most people. Enough there will be a time that I will blow my entire blog on those shitty subjects, it's just not in my time schedual lately. there are more important things in life to talk about than the negative. Once you start on the negative you bring everyone down and you actually feel like and sound like the kind of person you have no time for. So ignore the rain it's here for a reason, probably so we can all have great springs and summers.Everytime the sun peeks out say hi to someone near you or close in your heart. you don't have to see them just smile at them.

Hi I'm smiling at you'all,

Love Kim xo xo

Yesterday

2005-10-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote what i thought was an amazing Blog.What I actually did was create a new Blog and not even know it and everything I wrote dissappeared.Isn't it funny that the ones that got away were always the best you've ever written. I'm starting to feel like what a Fisherman feels like when he or she gets home.
The mentioned Blog was about what I'm tired of. Like sympathy, or no sympathy. Argueing with my wonderful girl or so all of you think. She is wondeerful it's just when it's your daughter things are always a bit more dynamic. You only fight with the ones you love. My younger sister was out for the weekend, which was fun and a great thing for her to do as she lives in another province. She lost her Baby to SIDS years ago and she and her husband still have hard times once in awhile. It's been twenty years this September,all four sisters were pregnant at the same time, we don't know how the youngest gotaway without getting caught that year.Anyway all three cousins turned twenty this 2005 except my sisters son. Now thats a big one to swallow,it also taught me that I have an awful lot of time ahead of me to get this all straight in my head.
My Sis told Haley and I that we haven't even started to greive yet. She based this on being around us and watching and listening to us this weekend. There were alot of tears and talking and it really did help. I didn't feel like I was dumping on Dolly again or her on I. She may have talked me into looking for a group to help me cope on my own or bring darling Dolly with me, but for some unknown reason I don't think she will want to join me. I know if I asked her to come with me for support she would be there in an instant,she has already told me so many times as she has suggested this solution or beginning to me herself.
Anyway as Ellen would say, Yesterday is gone so I'll move on ...what will I do ... Idon't know.
Thanks for letting me Blab or as you'all say Blog.

Love Kim xo xo

Living With Memories

2005-10-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

My life has been definately changing since the last time I was pecking away on this thingy. I really am living alot more alone now, if it wasn't for my two little buddies,Audi and Lucy I'd really be alone. Am I turning into one of those Dog women that has no one else?Naaa
Haley is finally finding a life that suits her, which means a young man with his own home,hence the alone thing. I know this is fast but who am I to judge. When I met Rudi, on a blind date as a matter of fact, I had my three children he had none that I knew of as he had never been married at the age of thirty-eight.I knew that night we would get married and be together forever, and we were. Five months to that night we were married.Hang on Dolly you could be in for a ride. Not a bad ride a great one.
This young man is a-okay in my mind,, scarey!Even my parents are impressed. All I can say is he better not hurt her. She has had enough this year,I think all the kids have.
Just found out my son, Lincoln, is going back to our home town of Hinton for a wedding of one of his close buddies. I am sick , he'll see our old house but not be able to enter. Rudi won't be anywhere there just more of his memories. Linc is the one who hides his feelings till he drinks. Oh oh ,Home town , no old home, no Rudi, I think he's in for one of those weekends . Wish I could be there to protect, but they all have to face it and grow up on their own.Life can be a bitch when you are put in the backseat instead of driving. And remember how we all bitched about driving them everywhere.
Anyhow I'll end this even though there is basically nothing to do, or more honestly no one to do it with.I know I know, before any of you can say it I have to get out and make some friends. Not just the safe type on my Blog, because you are you know,safe. The real ones who are so close they can touch me, or see a tear welling up in my eye. I admit it I'm scared. I'm seeing a phyciatrist in Dec. on my Doctors advice, haley thinks it will help. Who knows ,just more unknow to frighten me.
Bitch complain scared what else can I say except ta for now.

Love Kim xo

What are you thankful for Mom?

2005-10-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

That was the question posed to me last night at a family supper.Inearly shit when Haley asked me, I never expected her to ask the dreaded question. I wanted to say "NOTHING" but everyone was looking at me, or at least it felt that everyone was looking at me ,as I was looking down. I answered with Haley's name along with my parents and sisters etc..I called Dolly later and told her I got home safe and that I really just wanted to say you Dolly. You see I didn't drink and went home earlier as Haley and the gang were into the Hockey Game and the beer.
I just feel like every Holiday can come and go without me. If I didn't have Haley and the other two coming here for Christmas I would just cancel it. Actuallly if that old boyfriend doesn't show up with our things we won't have a Christmas Tree, and I will not go buy a new one. I say that now but just wait till Doll starts bugging me.No matter how old these kids get they still act like little kids at Christmas.
I sound depressing even to myself so I'll let this end. Sorry for being a drag. Next time should be better.
Kim xo

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Big Thanks

2005-10-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

It's Kim and I wouldl like to write a huge Thank You to all that answered my blog.Haley said it would be much easier to do it this way for the first time, as I'm not much of a typer.I tried to teach myself a few years ago and then the old computer died. I bought this for Haley and her old boyfriend. He was to pay it off, and if anything happened between the two of them she could have it and he would continue the payments. Just another thing I should have got in writing. Actually it's a small thing to complain about considering what my Baby went through when he ended it on the phone five days after arriving here.If only there was a law that allowed Moms to kill for hurting their children. Naw I couldn't do that either. It's all part of growing up,we've all been there.Remembering back it hurt so bad at the time but you eventually meet the right one and all is forgiven, maybe not forgotten but deffinately forgiven.We are still waiting for the rest of our things to arrive from Hinton, and since the young man is responsable for getting them here it could be Spring by then. At least Dolly will be totally over him by then. Besides there is a new fella in the picture,as if you all couldn't tell by Dolly's new happier mood. Keeping my fingers crossed with this one,although he seems very sweet. For just wanting to say Thank You to you all I sure rambled on. Have a Great Thursday despite any inclement weather.(It's raining here) Love Kim

I'll try anything once.

2005-10-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

This is all new to me, so please bear with me. I'm actually Haley's Mom. I have been sneaking a peek at some of your Blog's and darling pictures of your kids. It has made me feel not so lonely by being a Peeping Tom. The guilt finally got the best of me so Haley created a Blog for me. I'm just afraid to bore you all with my feelings as they haven't been the cheeriest lately.
Well on to something new, I can't even type yet. I think this will be fun though and make my mind look to the future. Living in my past memories is not always the best way to go.Still I do have some great ones.
Enough for now as I'm not sure of this yet and I'm a bit intimidated. Here's to making a few new friends.
Thanks for listening, Kim.